What A Dead Week! I Need To Smile :)

Ed McMahon, RIP. Who'd of thought that the death of Whacko Jacko would overshadow the death of my favourite hollywood super babe, Farrah Fawcet.

Bernie fucking Madoff getting 150 years. 150 years! With no time off for good behaviour, that fellow walks out at the ripe young age of 221. A death sentence dealt to a smart attractive Jewish boy. I think America is rascist. I personally don't believe he deserves a day more than 10 years. IceBerg Goldberg, Ya steal $1, you steal 50 billion, what's the fucking difference? You stole. Ask any Bible-Thumper.

Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?" "Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild." Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!" Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my cock on the curtain. Drives her nuts!"

It's Male DNA

Catchy Ditties

I have a bizarre form of Tourette syndrome; Singing Tourettes. Songs, commercials, sitcoms, cartoons...the good ones just pop out of my mouth. ...WELL, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire. I have no control. It just comes out. In the office. At lunch. While shtuping the slut of the month.

A fun place to get a case of singing Tourettes is the grocery store. Especially in a crowd of vegetable shoppers...Volare, oh oh, E contare, oh oh oh oh. God forbid I catch a Pete's Smoked Meat commercial on the radio on the morning drive. I'll easily say you can't beat Pete's meat 50 times that day. With Gilligan...the Skipper too. Luckily, I've rarely remembered more than the first paragraph to anything so...I shot the Sheriff, but I did not shoot the Deputy...

Doesn't know shit from Shinola

Meaning

Possessing poor judgment or knowledge.

Origin

Shinola was a brand of shoe polish previously manufactured in the USA. The alliteration and the fact that the two commodities in the phrase could possibly be confused is the derivation. The distinction is well made; only one of them would be good to apply to your shoes and only particularly dim people could be expected to muddle them up. Of course, outside America, most people don't know Shinola from anything at all, as they've never heard of it. Even in America it would probably not be widely remembered but for this phrase.

The 'ola' suffix is popular in the USA as part of trade names, e.g. Crayola, Granola etc. This leads to the pronunciation of Shinola as shine + ola. That spoils the alliteration a little as it would work better as shin + ola.

This phrase is typical of the barrack room vulgarity of WWII, which is where it originated. Other "doesn't know" phrases, also mostly from the military are, "doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground" (or elbow, or a hot rock, or third base), "doesn't know enough to pee downwind", "doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass". The tone is lifted a little by the English conductor Sir Henry Wood who expressed a similar opinion with "he doesn't know his brass from his woodwinds.

Which brings me to the picture. The worlds best meatless chicken...Alliteration or not, do you figure it tastes like shit or chicken?

Mazel tov, you've just read Normal Normola.

Global warming...

...sucks

It seems here in Montreal, a place so far north that less than 5% of the worlds population lives at a latitude above me isn't experiencing global warming. I would welcome a little global warming. Who was the dipshit that coined the phrase global warming? If there is a day without rain, it's cold and windy. Weather instability, a much better term.

Al Gore, the fellow that won a Nobel prize for best documentary on the subject might be inclined to work with K-tel and invent the rapid deployment portable weather changer. I certainly hope so because it's cold and shitty outside yet again.

Tell tale sign of old age - ARTHRITIS

I have self-diagnosed arthritis in my right middle finger. My distal IP is hurting like a bitch. I know this because of the ease of learning shit today on the web. Anybody can google "parts of the finger" and come up with a diagram and an explanation. So yeah, my distal interphalangeal joint hurts (it's the closest joint to the nail). My metacarpal interphalangeal (the big joint) is also causing me some pain.


The good news is I can still flip the bird. No pain. And after my favourite salutation, I can still place my hand at 270º and suggest you do the same with the horse you rode in on.

The bad news is I'm getting old. Today it's one little booboo finger, tomorrow it's a fucking disfigured gnarled and painful mess of a hand that'll say nononono, no more jerking off for you!

The Meaning Of Fathers Day: Socks And Underwear

Much like a woman in the singles game wouldn't be caught in a non-sexy pair of underwear, a dude in the same position can't stand around with his jeans at his knees poking his dick through a pair of piss stained ripped gotch and expect a top shelf blowjob.

It was quite an event to go shopping for underwear. And the young hotties in the men's wear sexy time underwear stores saw me coming. Three pair of underwear and a $100 later, I was ready to play. Post marriage and mom I have yet to go to the store to buy everyday socks and underwear. Between the dog that ate the crotch out of every pair of underwear I owned and time wearing holes in every pair of socks, I'm down to full time commando.

Of course I miss my mom for plenty more reasons than timely but completely unexpected underwear deliveries. And while I never rue my ex tossing me out of my house, between these two fine women, they kept me in socks and underwear my whole life.

I can only hope my kids read my blog, because it's fathers day weekend; I already have a bigass flatscreen TV and don't need any fine old scotch...a timely 6-pack of everyday tightie whities and coupla pairs of socks would prolly bring me to tears.

Your morning smile and weather

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXf3wx5nPXU

I know that's sick, but you laughed. Now before you go outside, and as a service to all my friends, here's your weather report.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_wpunvbyKA&NR=1

Have a great day.

Chastity Bono announces sex change

Whats the procedure exactly for changing from a woman into a man? Do you invert the vagina so that all the nerve endings are on the outside? Then stuff the tube with kishka?

I'm wondering what form of sex Chastity is most looking forward to. Here's the question of the day: whats the technical term for a woman that has become a man that has sex with another man? Cawmon, it's a gimme - It's fucked up!

Insomnia

So I can't sleep. I'm lying in bed and I start singing I dreamed a dream and got into a discussion with myself: Could I get a hardon for Susan Boyle?

If I was a chick back in the day, I could see blowing Billy Idol while he belted out more more more. I simply cannot see Susan Boyle perched on my face, singing or otherwise.

Does this make me a bad person? Or do I really just need a little sleep...

A problem

The woman who would become my wife cleaned my house from top to bottom at the beginning of our second date. I suppose the notion of getting my house cleaned while I waited to get my knob waxed was sort of appealing. Why else would a sensible dude get married and fuck-up a good and expendable thing?

So the problem is my girlfriend just cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom and now when I flush the toilet, the water turns blue. I've become a Smurf pisser. History has an odd way of repeating itself. Women aren't stupid. Next she'll bring me a bowl of smurfberries or iron a shirt and I'll be fucked. What should I do?

My virginity taken, I've written my first blog

So I'm sitting in intolerable traffic this morning, all 45 minutes of it to get from home to the office. I suppose to alot of you 45 minutes is like chicken shit, but to me it's like applying the exclamation point to the day before it even starts. It usually takes 10 minutes. Let's just call it bad fucking karma. It was then in there stuck on the Bonaventure that I hatched my plan.

Here's the deal. At the ripe old age of 51 and having suffered a heart attack and endured the loss of my mother in the last year, I'm either due for a professional temple massage or a soapbox in the park. BING! God created the Blog or maybe it was Al Gore, I really don't give a shit. This seems like a great way to shed a little stress! So it is with honour that I will share my life, views and spin to all the friends I make here.

The world is too full of Republicans, fuck ups, sheer stupidity, traffic jams and just plain wrong.

So? Nu? Who's gonna say they took my cherry and commented first?