Weighing in on Tiger Woods

Me, I didn't cheat during my marriage. The thought crossed my mind, but I didn't do it. It turns out most guys do. Which means that most women also participate in extra curricular activities. So the holier than thou thing pisses me off. Post-marriage I've had sex with 2 married women. They were both horny and imaginative willing lovers.

So I don't judge Tiger. I don't know his wife and never even heard her speak. I imagine she aint a rocket scientist but she sure as hell is cute.

But if I had Tigers money and fame, I'd be banging some seriously sexy tail. What's with the white trailer trash? The suprising thing is famous men ie Clinton and Letterman also got caught bagging trash. That to me is a surprising disappointment.

Anyway, I'm still a fan, he's a hell of a golfer. That he so fucked up is astonishing. He'll still make way more money than me next year and for the rest of his life. I hope he wins every major title next year and doesn't say a word or utter another apology to anybody. He doesn't need to. It's none of anybodies business.

Eating Correctly - A Dedication to my father.

The Muslims in a pinch eat Kosher. Halal will only get you so far. They are slightly less anal as concerns dietary concerns as the Jew's but still completely meshugga. My Muslim friends carry more fear and guilt about eating correctly than all the fucked up Jew's with milk, meat and Chinese food dishes in their homes.

Let me tell you about a problem I had a couple of years ago. I went to the House of HIllel grocery store to buy some Jell-O. Why you ask? I'll tell you, I had the munchies, I was stoned. So I get there and it's Shabbas and the HoH is closed. So I run across the street to Mohamed's quicky mart (here in the hood we call it Mo's) and buy some Halal Jell-O. As I'm paying, MO says to me, "Stoner Jewboy, you can't eat the Jell-O until tonight". So I asked him how he knew I was a Jew and how he knew I was stoned.

Well it turns out, he see's me go to the HoH all the time, and I just ran in to buy Halal Jell-O, and it's 2 in the afternoon and I'm not buying anything else, obviously I'm stoned -

But the bad news of the whole story was...While it was Shabbas, it was also Ramadan. I wasn't allowed to eat the Jell-o until sundown :)

-----Original Message-----From: solco co <compco@bell.net>To: Helen Baumgarten <helenu1@yahoo.com.au>; Judy Cohen <judycohen@sympatico.ca>; Norman <normcohen@mail.com>; Shelly <ishel@videotron.ca>Sent: Wed, Nov 18, 2009 11:00 amSubject: It's so nice to be Jewish
#AOLMsgPart_2_fe857a22-eeb1-42a2-aac4-f6edf741cce4 #AOLMsgPart_2_34be86ea-d328-4f54-803e-ebe338c28c92 .hmmessage P{margin:0px;padding:0px}#AOLMsgPart_2_fe857a22-eeb1-42a2-aac4-f6edf741cce4 #AOLMsgPart_2_34be86ea-d328-4f54-803e-ebe338c28c92 body.hmmessage{font-size: 10pt;font-family:Verdana}
About Glatech
Glatech Productions is the sole producer of Kolatin® Real Kosher gelatin and Elyon® kosher confectionery products.
Glatech Productions was founded to develop a high quality Real kosher gelatin, which can be used for the rapidly growing Kosher industry. As the need for Real Kosher gelatin increased, Glatech Productions began mass producing in the U.K. a high quality Kosher gelatin sourced exclusively from hides sourced in the USA and are now producing in Mexico on an ongoing basis. There have been many gelatin companies over the years, which claimed to produce Kosher gelatin. However, since those gelatins are obtained from non kosher hides or bones they have not been accepted by any major Kosher-certifying agency in the U.S.A., Canada or most of the world.
Glatech Productions registered the name Kolatin® Real Kosher Gelatin in order that this genuine Kosher product not be confused with those non Kosher sourced gelatins. Therefore, Kolatin® is the only bovine Real Kosher gelatin which is certified by the Union of Orthodox Jewish Congregations (the OU) using hides sourced from the U.S.A. as Kosher, Pareve, Kosher for Passover, and is accepted by kashrus organizations worldwide. It meets the highest standards of kashrus and quality.
Glatech Productions quality control specialists monitor all phases of gelatin production to assure customers that Kolatin® Real kosher gelatin conforms to the strictest standards of purity and kashrus. Kolatin® Real kosher gelatin surpasses domestic and worldwide regulatory requirements as well as customer specifications. Glatech Productions offers gelatin with characteristics that comply with each customer's unique product specifications. The exceptional physical properties of Kolatin® Real kosher gelatin make it a high performance ingredient in food products and pharmaceuticals. =

Here Sugar...Here Girl....I've Got A Carrot For You!

SC man gets 3 years in prison for sex with horse

Wednesday, November 04, 2009 8:39:55 AM

A South Carolina man caught on video having sex with a horse was sentenced Wednesday to three years in prison after pleading guilty for the second time in two years to abusing the creature.
Rodell Vereen was also ordered never to go near the stable where the horse's owner caught him and held him for authorities at shotgun point over the summer. He apologized to the woman and to himself after admitting to buggery at the Horry County courthouse.
"I'm sorry about what I've done. I didn't mean to do it. It's my fault. I'm sorry for what I've done to myself," Vereen said during Wednesday's court hearing.
Vereen was arrested in July after Barbara Kenley caught him entering the barn at Lazy B Stables in Longs, about 20 miles northeast of Myrtle Beach. She had been staking out the stable for more than a week after setting up a surveillance camera and videotaping Vereen's assault on her 21-year-old horse named Sugar.
Kenley said she became suspicious because her horse was acting strange and getting infections, and she noticed things were moved around the barn and dirt was piled up near the horse's stall.
It wasn't the first time she'd caught Vereen. In late 2007, Kenley found him asleep in the hay after assaulting her horse. For that offense, he also pleaded guilty to buggery, received probation and had to register as a sex offender.
On Wednesday, the judge sentenced Vereen to five years in prison, but he will only have to serve three years behind bars as long as he successfully completes two years of probation. Vereen also was ordered to undergo additional mental treatment after he gets out of prison and was told to stay away from Kenley's stable.
Kenley told The Sun News of Myrtle Beach she was mostly happy with the verdict, but wished Vereen had got more prison time.
"I've been through hell for the last year and it's caused a lot of hardship," Kenley told the newspaper. "There's a lot of ridicule and jokes going around about this thing. And a person can only take so much."

News Update

My NHRA loving drinking buddy has a few updates I'd like to share.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2009/11/01/kare.mn.la.z.boy.auction.kare

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/La-z-boy-DWI-Chair-Motorized-Chair-lazy-boy_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem23039d0147QQitemZ150384476487QQptZOtherQ5fVehiclesQ5fEverythingQ5fElse

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Autographed-Photo-La-z-boy-DWI-Chair-Motorized-Chair_W0QQcmdZViewItemQQhashZitem414a24e10fQQitemZ280416805135QQptZMotorsQ5fManualsQ5fLiterature

God bless America. We're watching the Talledega NASCAR race this afternoon. Rednecks rule! WOOW!

PETA et al

I want a kitten. So I post this ad:

montreal craigslist > community > pets
please flag with care:
miscategorized prohibited spam/overpost best of craigslist
Kitten wanted (Nun's Island)
Date: 2009-10-31, 11:38PM EDTReply to: mailto:comm-pvdc9-1446320339@craigslist.org?subject=Kitten%20wanted%20(Nun [Errors when replying to ads?]
I'm looking for a baby kitten. It's gonna be my pet until one of us expires. I'd prefer a short haired, preferably not a shedder (if the mother is a shedder, no thanks) and preferably not all black young cat. Please call me at (514)892-0355
Location: Nun's Island
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1446320339

And I get this reply:

kitten
From:
Matt ernest View Contact
To:
comm-pvdc9-1446320339@craigslist.org
** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html
go to a shelter and get an adult cat.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bpDE6Vx_QUthe kittens are going to get a home, trust me

So I write this reply:

Re: kitten
From:
Jeb View Contact
To:
Matt ernest
Thanks for the public service announcement. Go do something worthwhile with your life if you're going to be a do-gooder. Go fight terrorism. Solve world hunger. Save the fucking whales.

I want a baby kitten. Now please take your unsolicited advise and shove it up your ass.

I hate idiots! On the other hand, thanks for the inspiration for today's blog.

Is it just me? FUCK!

My Life Has Become A cartoon

So I'm out last night with a woman that had her tongue in my mouth 30 seconds into the date. A sexy, intelligent and very funny woman. Drinks, dinner and she starts raping me roughly in my idling car outside the restaurant. I'm intoxicated and in the drivers seat while fighting her off of me. I'm thinking it aint gonna look good to the passing police that we're having drunken sex in public. I'd rather be lonely than incarcerated. Maybe it's me - I can attract em, but then I don't know what to do with them. Meanwhile, anybody have a cure for a seriously bitten nipple?

If I had a choice, I'd do the link below, before another nite of thrills like above.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbP4oWa1iyE&NR=1

Sometimes, it's better to just sit at home.

He should stop running nitrous!

A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to driving his motorized La-Z-Boy chair while drunk. A criminal complaint says 62-year-old Dennis LeRoy Anderson told police he left a bar in the northern Minnesota town of Proctor on his chair after drinking eight or nine beers.
Prosecutors say Anderson's blood alcohol content was 0.29, more than three times the legal limit, when he crashed into a parked vehicle in August 2008. He was not seriously injured.
Police said the chair was powered by a converted lawnmower and had a stereo and cup holders.
Sixth Judicial District Judge Heather Sweetland stayed 180 days of jail time Monday and ordered two years of probation for Anderson. His attorney, David Keegan, did not immediately return a call for comment.

A Fall Sunday Morning - SUCKS! And A Developing Love Story

I won't go outside. I prefer my fresh air room temperature, maybe hot but not cold. Why the fuck do I live at a latitude so far north? Were my forefathers idiots? I can't wait for global warming to rectify the situation, I gotta move south.

I started the dating process again. I just wrote the funniest letter to a woman I am really looking forward to meeting. It's an award winner and justifies my impending behaviour. It's neat to have discovered the secret of being attractive to women. Humour, sometimes self-deprecating, a certain degree of humility and just enough self-confidence (ya gotta keep that shit in check!) alway's wins the day.

Here's the letter:

M,

So listen to this - I just thought of you. I was in church, singing a psalm, rejoicing in the love of sweet baby Jesus (despite being Jewish) and boom! You flooded my head. Despite suddenly being being confused about why I was wearing tefilin and a yarmulke in the confessional, I had two choices. Either tell the Father about what I invisioned happening Tuesday nite, or rush home and write you a funny flirty note. I woulda called you, but oh no, you wouldn't give me your f*.cking number. I trust you have a great day and a better tomorrow because the day after, you meet me. I look forward to it :)

----,---'--@

Norm

Harley VS Sportbike...and the winner is

So I drove a Harley. One of those loud obnoxious Sportster 1200's. It was comfortable and fun as hell. I even wore the dumb beanie cap helmet. Every time the sparkplug fires the straight pipe muffler blows out a BAH! BAHBAHBAHBAHBAH! VROOM! BAHBAHBAHBAHBAH and the bike gives you that unmistakable feel of a gargantuan V-twin between your legs.

My sportbike is different gnarly loud, stupid quick and handles like a hot knife cutting butter. But to ride it more than 20 minutes on the track or an hour breaking the sound barrier on country backroads is as comfortable as a 4-day bout of constipation.

My grandfather used to ride his Honda 70 scooter helmetless with his stoogie stuck in his suntan lotioned kisser.

The winner is neither, or all three. Having a dirty blonde on the back of your Harley is as great as blasting out of a corner apex on a racebike as airing your chest&nuts on a suburban street. I need to buy two more motorcycles and go live somewhere warm.

My Last Date And Tomorrows

My Thursday nite date was an enormous failure. This was a classic stinker that I'm humiliated about . If we go back through my last 4 dates, Each became longer term lovers. There was the Serb, who adored me, and then the nice French girl out in Mirabel that I merely stopped seeing because of the gross distance to get honey. And now I'm recovering from Hummingbird heaven. Who'd ever imagine a dude could find two lovers, each with a Hummingbird tattoo, one after the next? Spectacular, specially the one with the ass tat. I'll certainly remember worshipping her delectable tattoo'd tuchas until I die. So to go out and have such an ugly date was a reminder of the reality :)

Tomorrow I'm going out with a woman that is not yet free of the acrimony of her separation, let alone the shit that's gonna hit the fan through the balance of the divorce. But she's the sweetest, prettiest girl that I want to make feel wonderful. I am nervous that my very extraverted way's may blow her away. Yet I know how comforting it will be for her to find in me someone who truly understands how awesome it feels to be out, to feel carefree and to potentially feel cared for as a woman.

It would be amazing if I could be the one to take her post marriage virginity, just like how Picture Girl took mine. If not, just to take her and give her a hug and feel some of the pain melt away as someone of the opposite sex makes that shitty booboo go byebye, even for a fleeting moment.

2 Hummingbird Tattooed Chicks

My second last lover had a Hummingbird on her tuchas. It was for me not the sexiest inking I've had the pleasure of boinking up against, but damn fine on an exemplary tight ass. My Thursday nite lover pulled her shirt off to have a hummingbird situated on her left titty! What an awesome pair of beautiful little titties...oy vey!

Two in a row! That's hard to beat!

Please dear god for I deserve it and I hereby beg for you to answer my prayers, I gotta have these two cock-whores at the same time. If my prayers are answered, I'll reinstate my belief in you dear god back up to agnostic. May shit happen!

How dumb are you?

So I use these online date boards. You get pictures and profiles and if you wish, you can make contact. It's pretty straight forward really. You look at the picture and you try and imagine her lips around your cock. Then, you read how silly the profile is and you make a determination whether her personality and an evening of chitchat corresponds to the quality of the head you'll get in return during part 2 of the date.

Here's a pretty womans profile:

I am a very active person (some people would call me a little hyper-active), loving and affectionate, sometimes to a fault. Would one day like to meet my soul-mate if he exists. Love working out (good for the mind, body and soul). Don't like mind games. When I care and love somebody there are no holes barred. Want to be able to see the world. Very adventurous and like to take chances, will try anything once. If this sounds like it's up your alley you know what to do!!

Here's my pick-up lines:

S Momma,

You made one of the funniest typo's of all time. I know that nobodies ever said anything, which is sort of sad really given most folks here are fairly literate :) You wrote when you love and care....there are no holes barred, the expression is there are no holds barred. You just infered some awesome sexual entendre :) LOL

Despite the typo, or in spite of the typo, I'm hitting on you right here and now! I love your profile and you are just adorable. Should you have interest, I would be honoured to explore.

Norm

She hasn't fixed her profile yet, nor responded to me. It's sorta too bad, 'cause that's a chick I want on my arm :)

I Got An Idea For A Reality TV Show

They got the Batchelor, they got fatso Batchelor, They even got blind speed Batchelor.

I need a producer for Old Lecker Batchelor. And a pile of 18-25 year old sluts with a serious I like daddy complex all vying for a typical loser, like me.

Apply within.

Newsflash: It's Raining...And Other Musings

I made a discovery. Genetic engineering is amazing. I just ate a watermelon that was round, the flesh was dark red, sweet and it didn't have any seeds. They should re-engineer broads. Replace their ability to talk w/ simply being submissive sluts.

I went to the race track today and pretended I was Valentino Rossi. I hit 10,500 RPM in 4th gear, that was fun. Wow, was I flying. The rush of being on a track in a crowd of bikes was exhilerating. I came in last. A guy went down in front of me. That musta hurt.

A woman just told me her cup was half full. I said don't worry, I like small titties.

I have just converted to Atheism

Today while stepping outside to talk to a colleague I had to go by a another colleague that took a time out for a little dovening. Yupper, the dude was outside sitting on a picnic table singing happily to the Hebrew text. Back inside, the Muslim dudes steadily passed by my desk on thier way to a demo room with the ceremonial carpet to say thier dutiful prayers.

On one hand, fucking sweet! Racial tolerance. No hatred or animosity. I work in an unusual invironment. All race, creed and sex get along with complete tolerance. But it finally dawned on me that all these mega-religious folk don't agree on who God is. And who am I to judge who the real God is. SO, moving forward, I am officially Atheist. No more agnostic view.

God sucks. He causes war and hatred. She has created turmoil since her invention. The irony is the people at my office aren't suffering. My colleagues are all good decent kind folk. It's too bad the rest of the world can't get it right. As for me, I'm not wasting another minute praying to the wrong dude. Factor in Jesus and I've got a 1 in 3 shot of getting it right. I not going to rot in hell for praying to the wrong deity.

Weather Report

Woman Required -

Oy, I just rejected and ejected my last girlfriend.

I require a woman to adore and worship me. Ideally she will be 30 years old without children and have no desire to have any. Occasionaly she should enjoy rough sex. Hopefully she is employed, and knows when to change from a lady into a whore and back again without instruction, honouring me all the while.

If a person hooks me up with this dame they get 13 virgins in heaven, or a daypass to the massage parlor. 4-hands all day w/ all you can release happy endings.

If it's you that found me my future love, I promise a wonderful fun-filled life. Oh and listen, I don't discriminate - If you're 45 and still have a tight ass or maybe have kids but are a bi filthy pig I'm open to listening to your value proposition. :)

Power T-Shirts

I just had a flashback

So I'm watching the Lexus commercial with the dude driving on the bridge that drives past the hot blond in red and stops to pick up the next gorgeous dark haired broad.

When I was 16, I was driving my off-road bike, well, off road. But I was only in a small area girded by encroachment of the developing area. Back in '67 when my parents moved to the suburbs, it was nearly the country. To get to the area I was riding in, I had to drive pseudo off road (the same area only 2 years before was literally an awesome forest, only to be destroyed to build the rest of the burgeoning community) to a real busy street or two and then boom! I was in the area that I loved zipping around in.

So this one day, I'm driving after supper around 7ish in this area and what do I see on the trail? I'll tell you. A girl around my age. So I stop and turn off the motor and this girl who I never met asks me if I can give her a lift to the Fairview Cinema. Of course I said yes and this pretty girl throws her leg over the seat and plants herself right up against me with her arms snugly around my waist and off we went....all maybe 1 minute of it but I gotta tell ya, it was divine.

Today of course I drive the sexiest fastest nastiest sounding street legal race bike that gets the brazen sexpots waving me down. Motorcycles, as they were in the time of the beginning are the funnest toy/panty remover ever made. I thank my father for getting into dirt-biking!

I've added for your viewing pleasure what I owned then, a 1970 Bultaco Matador and my current ride, a Yamaha YZF R1.

Sensational Week In The News

Another plane crashed into the sea, this one with a miracle survivor. Romeo Leblanc & Karl Malden - RIP.

Just when I figure I can stop watching cable news and get back to Nickleodeon, Sarah Palin, America's most sought after MILF quit. No more fresh pics of her in those tights skirts and sexy heels.

Imagine Micheal Jackson goes back in time to around 1955...doing a show, moonwalking, talking squeeky. The emerging risque avant-garde star of day was Elvis Presley. So MJ meets Elvis and says, one day, I'm going to marry your daughter. And Elvis says, over my dead body. And the rest as you all know is history. What we don't know is if Elvis is kicking MJ's ass in heaven, or rocking with him.

What A Dead Week! I Need To Smile :)

Ed McMahon, RIP. Who'd of thought that the death of Whacko Jacko would overshadow the death of my favourite hollywood super babe, Farrah Fawcet.

Bernie fucking Madoff getting 150 years. 150 years! With no time off for good behaviour, that fellow walks out at the ripe young age of 221. A death sentence dealt to a smart attractive Jewish boy. I think America is rascist. I personally don't believe he deserves a day more than 10 years. IceBerg Goldberg, Ya steal $1, you steal 50 billion, what's the fucking difference? You stole. Ask any Bible-Thumper.

Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?" "Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild." Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!" Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my cock on the curtain. Drives her nuts!"

It's Male DNA

Catchy Ditties

I have a bizarre form of Tourette syndrome; Singing Tourettes. Songs, commercials, sitcoms, cartoons...the good ones just pop out of my mouth. ...WELL, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire. I have no control. It just comes out. In the office. At lunch. While shtuping the slut of the month.

A fun place to get a case of singing Tourettes is the grocery store. Especially in a crowd of vegetable shoppers...Volare, oh oh, E contare, oh oh oh oh. God forbid I catch a Pete's Smoked Meat commercial on the radio on the morning drive. I'll easily say you can't beat Pete's meat 50 times that day. With Gilligan...the Skipper too. Luckily, I've rarely remembered more than the first paragraph to anything so...I shot the Sheriff, but I did not shoot the Deputy...

Doesn't know shit from Shinola

Meaning

Possessing poor judgment or knowledge.

Origin

Shinola was a brand of shoe polish previously manufactured in the USA. The alliteration and the fact that the two commodities in the phrase could possibly be confused is the derivation. The distinction is well made; only one of them would be good to apply to your shoes and only particularly dim people could be expected to muddle them up. Of course, outside America, most people don't know Shinola from anything at all, as they've never heard of it. Even in America it would probably not be widely remembered but for this phrase.

The 'ola' suffix is popular in the USA as part of trade names, e.g. Crayola, Granola etc. This leads to the pronunciation of Shinola as shine + ola. That spoils the alliteration a little as it would work better as shin + ola.

This phrase is typical of the barrack room vulgarity of WWII, which is where it originated. Other "doesn't know" phrases, also mostly from the military are, "doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground" (or elbow, or a hot rock, or third base), "doesn't know enough to pee downwind", "doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass". The tone is lifted a little by the English conductor Sir Henry Wood who expressed a similar opinion with "he doesn't know his brass from his woodwinds.

Which brings me to the picture. The worlds best meatless chicken...Alliteration or not, do you figure it tastes like shit or chicken?

Mazel tov, you've just read Normal Normola.

Global warming...

...sucks

It seems here in Montreal, a place so far north that less than 5% of the worlds population lives at a latitude above me isn't experiencing global warming. I would welcome a little global warming. Who was the dipshit that coined the phrase global warming? If there is a day without rain, it's cold and windy. Weather instability, a much better term.

Al Gore, the fellow that won a Nobel prize for best documentary on the subject might be inclined to work with K-tel and invent the rapid deployment portable weather changer. I certainly hope so because it's cold and shitty outside yet again.

Tell tale sign of old age - ARTHRITIS

I have self-diagnosed arthritis in my right middle finger. My distal IP is hurting like a bitch. I know this because of the ease of learning shit today on the web. Anybody can google "parts of the finger" and come up with a diagram and an explanation. So yeah, my distal interphalangeal joint hurts (it's the closest joint to the nail). My metacarpal interphalangeal (the big joint) is also causing me some pain.


The good news is I can still flip the bird. No pain. And after my favourite salutation, I can still place my hand at 270º and suggest you do the same with the horse you rode in on.

The bad news is I'm getting old. Today it's one little booboo finger, tomorrow it's a fucking disfigured gnarled and painful mess of a hand that'll say nononono, no more jerking off for you!

The Meaning Of Fathers Day: Socks And Underwear

Much like a woman in the singles game wouldn't be caught in a non-sexy pair of underwear, a dude in the same position can't stand around with his jeans at his knees poking his dick through a pair of piss stained ripped gotch and expect a top shelf blowjob.

It was quite an event to go shopping for underwear. And the young hotties in the men's wear sexy time underwear stores saw me coming. Three pair of underwear and a $100 later, I was ready to play. Post marriage and mom I have yet to go to the store to buy everyday socks and underwear. Between the dog that ate the crotch out of every pair of underwear I owned and time wearing holes in every pair of socks, I'm down to full time commando.

Of course I miss my mom for plenty more reasons than timely but completely unexpected underwear deliveries. And while I never rue my ex tossing me out of my house, between these two fine women, they kept me in socks and underwear my whole life.

I can only hope my kids read my blog, because it's fathers day weekend; I already have a bigass flatscreen TV and don't need any fine old scotch...a timely 6-pack of everyday tightie whities and coupla pairs of socks would prolly bring me to tears.

Your morning smile and weather

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXf3wx5nPXU

I know that's sick, but you laughed. Now before you go outside, and as a service to all my friends, here's your weather report.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_wpunvbyKA&NR=1

Have a great day.

Chastity Bono announces sex change

Whats the procedure exactly for changing from a woman into a man? Do you invert the vagina so that all the nerve endings are on the outside? Then stuff the tube with kishka?

I'm wondering what form of sex Chastity is most looking forward to. Here's the question of the day: whats the technical term for a woman that has become a man that has sex with another man? Cawmon, it's a gimme - It's fucked up!

Insomnia

So I can't sleep. I'm lying in bed and I start singing I dreamed a dream and got into a discussion with myself: Could I get a hardon for Susan Boyle?

If I was a chick back in the day, I could see blowing Billy Idol while he belted out more more more. I simply cannot see Susan Boyle perched on my face, singing or otherwise.

Does this make me a bad person? Or do I really just need a little sleep...

A problem

The woman who would become my wife cleaned my house from top to bottom at the beginning of our second date. I suppose the notion of getting my house cleaned while I waited to get my knob waxed was sort of appealing. Why else would a sensible dude get married and fuck-up a good and expendable thing?

So the problem is my girlfriend just cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom and now when I flush the toilet, the water turns blue. I've become a Smurf pisser. History has an odd way of repeating itself. Women aren't stupid. Next she'll bring me a bowl of smurfberries or iron a shirt and I'll be fucked. What should I do?

My virginity taken, I've written my first blog

So I'm sitting in intolerable traffic this morning, all 45 minutes of it to get from home to the office. I suppose to alot of you 45 minutes is like chicken shit, but to me it's like applying the exclamation point to the day before it even starts. It usually takes 10 minutes. Let's just call it bad fucking karma. It was then in there stuck on the Bonaventure that I hatched my plan.

Here's the deal. At the ripe old age of 51 and having suffered a heart attack and endured the loss of my mother in the last year, I'm either due for a professional temple massage or a soapbox in the park. BING! God created the Blog or maybe it was Al Gore, I really don't give a shit. This seems like a great way to shed a little stress! So it is with honour that I will share my life, views and spin to all the friends I make here.

The world is too full of Republicans, fuck ups, sheer stupidity, traffic jams and just plain wrong.

So? Nu? Who's gonna say they took my cherry and commented first?